BAD DAY

I feel like I’m losing everything.

I’m losing my friends because I can’t go out with them because either my wheelchair is too heavy and they can’t lift it into their cars or they want to go on nights out – I can’t drink and obviously a wheelchair like mine in a club isn’t too great. Let’s face it; even if my wheelchair WAS ok I’m way too sick to be able to go anyway.

I’m losing my boyfriend. He says I’m not but I can’t help but feel like I am and I don’t blame him – this illness is too much and it has changed me into not even half the girl I was before. He’s so caring and kind towards me and he would literally do anything for me. But that’s what hurts me. He chose me for his girlfriend because I was a bubbly, fun, outgoing girl and we did everything together, went on random day trips and literally just lived for the moment. He did not choose me in a wheelchair, sick all day every day, sleeping in separate beds most of the time because of my insomnia, pale, ugly, droopy-eyed look and caring for me. He should be my boyfriend not my carer. It kills me to see him cooking, cleaning the house, and helping me do absolutely EVERYTHING. Everything that the woman should be doing. Me. This is what has hurt the most about all this.

I’m losing my mind. Unfortunately I have been given almost all of the possible symptoms if not all of them. I think I’ve pretty much got all of the physical ones and also all of the mental ones. Most of us suffer with depression…Anxiety…Lack of concentration…and memory loss. I’ve had all of those and they’re driving me i n s a n e.

I can’t watch TV without having to close my eyes for a while every couple of minutes, I can’t read books or anything because it’s too much for my eyes and my head. I’ve always been ditzy and had a bit of a crap memory but since all this it is ridiculous. It is the most awful feeling that I am 20 years old and I can’t remember little things, I can’t remember a conversation I’m having – right when I’m having the conversation. I even went to the doctor today and my mum said “this is the Doctor that came over to the house and admitted you into Bangor last month”. I couldn’t even remember seeing her. I feel like I’m not a human being anymore, I’m not physically in a good way or mentally. I’m ruining everyone around me’s lives too. Having to see me go through all this pain and all these different emotions and loss of things – it kills them. I can tell. But they are so so so strong. I would never be able to cope with seeing any of my family, friends or boyfriend etc. like this. I’d be in bits.

I’m so grateful for them – but I just want to leave and be by myself so I don’t have to make anyone upset over my condition or have to deal with any of this shit. It’s not bloody fair on anyone anymore.