CRIPPLING ANXIETY
As we speak, it’s 4am and I haven’t slept yet. I went to bed so tired - because let’s face it, every mum is! - ready to fall asleep as soon as my body would let me.
My body didn’t let me.
I just laid there with all kinds of thoughts running around in my head and keeping me awake. I’ve always suffered from depression and anxiety but for some reason, tonight’s on another level and I feel like I’m about to cry/die/give up altogether whilst also having absolutely no clue why, but I feel as if I’m losing my mind.
Honestly, I genuinely couldn’t tell you what’s making me feel so low because I can’t think of one reason why I want to cry and that’s the MOST frustrating part of this!
Anxiety is soooo crippling when it comes around, fills my head with thoughts that shouldn’t be there and send me onto the verge of a panic attack. I’ve been totally fine all day, I have the sweetest, happiest baby in the world and the best partner I could ever ask for. Great friends, lovely family and not many things that would cause me to feel stressed - yet I’m feeling it SO hard.
One good thing is that I have my first counselling session tomorrow (ok I say tomorrow but it’s 4am so it’s actually in 5 hours) and I’m pretty excited because when I had therapy when I was younger, I found that it really bloody helped! I’m not the best for communicating how I’m feeling so it’ll be nice to get some stuff off my chest and get some reassurance that it’s ok not to be ok. I always tell myself, but it’s nice to hear from other people.
After lying there restless until 3:30am I finally gave in and now I’m sat in the living room writing this, because if I’m going to feel this way, it should at least have a purpose and I need to get it off my chest and onto this blog post.
When I feel this way, I like to write down positives in life and things I need to look forward to, so here goes nothing -
NOTES TO SELF:
Gray. That’s one of your biggest motivations and sources of happiness right there.
Singing. KEEP SINGING. It makes you feel good.
Baz’ 30th birthday in Center Parcs. I mean how amazing will that be?! Swimming, bowling, movie days and entertaining nights. Get excited!
Focus on your YouTube channel, Instagram and blog. You’re doing it because it makes you happy, so do more of it. Consistency is key.
Christmas is coming and now you have a beautiful baby to spoil rotten. Christmas will be magical again! Stick it on ya calendar, who cares if it’s only September ;)
That’ll do for now. I feel like I already feel better!
If you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, write down a list of positives and things to look forward to and look back at it, crossing them off as they go and adding more onto it.
Your thoughts may be dark right now, but they won’t be forever.